NCKU x Moscow

Welcome to NCKU x Moscow collaboration game project. This is a narrative story game about the daily life of a depressive person. The purpose is to spread mental health awareness and experience how they feel. Without further ado, (t8n-arrive:"blur")[[click to start.->Scene 1]]

Today is the same as other days, just a little more tiring because I have to work on the deadline of our project. Since work is ending, I'm thinking of what should I do next. Should I...? (text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.75))[~~A. Time to party and abandon these problems!~~] (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")[[B. I'm heading home straight->Scene 1B]] (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")[[B. I'm too tired. I should go home and take a good nap->Scene 1C]] (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")[[C. Stay at work because you still have some to do->Scene 1D]]

...Arrived at home. As usual, there is nobody home tonight. I live with my two other flatmates, XX and YY. But they love partying so much that they are often often home at night. I can't understand why they love going out and party, isn't it very tiring? I'm exhausted from all the work I have to do in the day, I don't have enough energy to do all those stuffs. Just by trying to get a hold of myself is challenging every day, I wonder how other people manage to getting their lives together so well. These thoughts often appear in my head. I dragged my sluggish body to the kitchen to see if is there any food. Fortunately there are some breads and fruits. I think... (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")[[A. Those work for dinner, all food are the same.->Scene 2A]] (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")[[B. I don't have any appetite, might as well just skip it.->Scene 2B]] (text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.55))[~~C. Let me ask my friends if they want to eat out.~~]

Next morning... Yesterday I could not sleep for a very long time. And now I really don't want to get out of bed ... It's already 6:40, it's time to get up to work ... but first I have to answer a couple of emails about the new project. [[A. Go to work->Scene Msk-2A]] [[B. Try to do exercises to cheer up-> Scene Msk-2B]] [[C. Go to the kitchen to eat.-> Scene Msk-2C]]

As I chomp on the bread, my mind started wandering off. Lately, things have been more exhausting. Or should I say I don't remember when was the last time I feel 'happy'? Every days feel the same. All I want is to lock myself up in the room and do nothing, but I still have to work and manage my own life. The responsibility of being an adult is heavy, I wish to go back being a kid. I feel full after eating two slices of bread. I guess I should go brush my teeth and take a shower before calling the day off. I want to hurry up and go to sleep. Sleeping disables my mind, at least my mind is a lot more silence. But I still have some household chores to do, should I... (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")[[A. Do the chores now->Scene 3A]] (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")[[B. I will do it tomorrow->Scene 3B]]

I have a small appetite, actually more like my appetite decreases over years. So, skipping meals is a very usual thing to me. I guess tonight I will skip it again. Thinking about it now, it seems like I have lost quite many weights these few years. I used to be chubbier during highschool, but now I look so skinny. Everytime I go to our highschool reunion, my friends would leave comments about how skinny I am now. Usually I just tell them I'm on a diet even if that is not the truth. (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[Next->Scene 2B(cont)]]

I guess I have to do them first even if I don't feel like it. The sense of responsibility is crushing me slowly. My body and mind feels heavy just by doing these tasks. But if I don't do these, I will panic. These mixed feelings are so uncomfortable and suffocating. I constantly feel like I'm under water and in the need of gasping for air. But in the end, I managed to finish my chores. This happens everyday. Sometimes, I wonder if am I depressed or just lazy? There were several times when I try to open up about myself to my friends but they commented it was just a phase and I will get over soon. So, I brushed it off thinking they might be right. ^^(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[Next->Scene 3A(cont)]]^^

I don't feel like doing the chores today, I just want to rest and think about nothing even if procrastinating makes me feel guilty. Almost everytime when I need to decide being productive or procrastinate, I would always choose the latter one. I quickly took a shower and went to bed. Laying in bed thinking about my sleeping obsession. I usually spend most of my time sleeping outside working hours. Sometimes, I can go straight to bed without eating and showering. My energy drains very fast, I have almost none. Even with this much sleeping, the moment I woke up, I would still feel very drained. It leaves me wanting to sleep even longer. I can't wait to go to sleep again everytime. (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[Next->Scene 3B(cont)]]

As someone who grows up in an almost 'perfect' environment, why am I feeling like this? I often feel like I'm not allowed to experience feelings like these. Especially people around me think I'm pretty blessed, I'm afraid of what people will think of me if they know I feel like this. It is not like I want to, but I can't help it. So, I often suppress my feelings and convince myself I'm just not feeling well in the moment. Before I realized it, the feelings grow stronger. I wish the feelings I am talking about here are some corny romantic feelings in your typical novels. Instead, what I am experiencing right now are constant emptiness, worn out, pressured, panics, and many more. I keep thinking to myself: It shouldn't be that bad right? I could go on and on for hours wandering lost in my thoughts. But usually I force myself to stop because I still have many works to do. (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[^^Next^^->Scene 3A(cont2)]]

I decided to take a quick shower and end the day. After showering I feel a little bit better. I head straight to bed and lay down with my eyes closed. All I want to do is just falling asleep peacefully. I wish tomorrow doesn't come. (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[Next->Scene 3A(cont3)]]

...The next morning I just woke up and I feel worn out already. I drag myself out of the bed, step by step along with the heavy feelings in my chest to the bathroom. I prepared myself to look decent enough before going to work. Once I stepped out of my house, I would always put up an act. It is exhausting, but I don't want to cause any inconveniences to the others. I pretend I have it all together. When I arrived at my workplace, I greeted my colleagues and had some small conversations before diving into my work. I tried my best to pay attention to my tasks so I can finish them soon, but I keep getting distracted. By the end of the day, I didn't finish my work on time. My supervisor noticed my work performance was getting worst for the past few weeks. On that day, he called me to his office and lectured me for being 'unresponsible'. I kept my head down and felt worthless. After being lectured, I went back to my desk and... (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[A. Burst into tears->Scene 4A]] (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[B. Held back my tears->Scene 4B]]

Unable to hold back my tears, I bursted into tears silently with my head buried inside my folded arms on the desk, hoping no one would notice. I know I am not doing a great job, but I am trying my best. Am I being too dramatic? I don't know. I just feel very worthless and useless right now. I hate it. Suddenly, a hand comes from behind and pats on my shoulder. I heard someone says: Hey, are you alright? I lift up my head and see Alec, my colleague. A brown-haired man looking at me with his concerned eyes. I... (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[A. Try to open up to him->Scene 5A]] (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[B. Assure him everything is fine->Scene 5B]]

Not again. I held back my tears as I tried to finish my work. My mind and heart is racing, I feel anxious. With my trembling hands, I tried to continue typing and finish my work. Every second feels so long and difficult. I forced myself to finish my work and ended up going home at midnight. When I opened the door, XX and YY, my housemates, are sitting in the livings room chatting with each other. I haven't saw them in a week. They asked me if everything is alright because I looked worn out. Do I... (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[A. Say nothing and go to bedroom->Scene A5]] (text-colour:(hsl:0,0.8039,0.5,0.65))[~~B. Haven't seen them in a long time! Join their conversation~~] (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[C. Open up to them about how hard it has been lately->Scene C5]]

Feeling helpless, I try to open up to him about my current condition. I told him how exhausted I am, about how I can't justify my feelings, how I feel so utterly useless and worthless. Then, silence strikes between us before he breaks it. Alec : I'm not sure how to comfort you but one thing I can assure you is that it is normal for anyone to feel depressed sometimes. But if this has been going on for a long time, maybe you should consider going to a therapist and check your condition. Do not fear how others would view you. I'm there if you need any helps or someone to listen. Me : Thanks, Alec. People around me rarely understand what I'm experiencing right now and think I'm just being dramatic. I appreciate you for reaching out, I really do. Alec : No worry, do you want to go grab dinner before continue working? Me : Well, sure. Why not? (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[^^Next^^->Scene 6A]]

I don't want to tell him, to be more specific I don't want to share it with anyone.I shaked my head and replied, "I'm fine, don't worry.". Alec doesn't seem to believe it and keep pestering me. I am getting annoyed. I mean I feel very frustrated and down right now, why would he keep asking me that? I am not comfortable sharing with anyone at the moment. It feels like they are just curious about my condition and won't understand it anyway. So, I putted on a smile and reassured him nothing is wrong. He finally leaves. Ugh, I am dead exhausted now. What is the point in living if I feel like this everyday? Wouldn't it be better if I no longer exist? (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[^^Next^^->Scene 6B]]

A well-functioning person might still suffers from depression. Even if that person is considered to have a 'perfect' life. It is normal for anyone to feel depressed, but it is not if the phase is ongoing for a long time. Sometimes, they can't even be sure whether they suffer from depression or not, especially those who are in denial. People shouldn't be quick to judge them from the outside. They may look all happy outside, but we wouldn't know behind the closed door. Judgement is not needed in this case, trying to understand them or offering helps would be more than enough for now. Small matters like help them buying dinner or accompanying to therapist are good. At least, don't make them feel worse by judging them. End

..I nod my head and went straight into the bedroom. They just keep looking at me until I'm no longer in their view. They must think I'm such a weird person, but I could careless about that right now. As if every bit of energy is drained from my body, I immediately laid on the bed with my eyes closed. My mind is running wild again tonight I guess. But it is worse than other days. I wondered when did everything go down hill. In my vague memory, I remember living was easier, unlike now I have to remind myself to breathe every moment. I can't understand how people be passionate about their life. What is the point of living? Or should I say what is the point of my existence? I want to end my life. [[^^Next^^->Scene A6]]

I looked at them in the eyes, I hesitated whether should I tell them or not. They look very concerned, so I decided to open up and tell the truth. I explained how I feel exhausted, unworthy, and having suicidal thoughts sometimes. I can clearly see how shocked they are because it is shown on their face. Did I do the right thing by expressing how I feel? What if they think I'm too dramatic or just seeking attention? Right when I started to regret blurting out my feelings, one of them said, "I'm sorry you have to go through that, I didn't know you feel that way lately. We are here if you want to talk more about it, let us know if you need any helps.". Did I hear that right? This is the first time people aren't trying to question my feelings, instead they are trying to understand me and offering helps. The tears I tried to hold back earlier unconsciously streamed down. I feel a bit relieved and touched. Maybe there is hope. (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[^^Next^^->Scene A6]]

Due to the time I spent on sleeping, I have almost no social life because I only interact with other people when needed, even with my housemates. In the beginning, they would always invite me to a night out, but I refused every times. I told them I'm tired from working and want to get a good rest. Maybe because I rejected them too often, they never asked me again. Well, it doesn't matter anyway for me. I can feel the drowsiness is hitting me up already. Next(t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[Next->Scene 3A(cont3)]]

What should I do tonight? I would like to get some sleep but I suffer from insomnia. I feel restless day and night. Maybe that is why I am so lethargic that people would tell me I need to lift my spirits every other day. But I don't feel like it. I have no passion or whatever, I also have no drive to do pretty much everything. The reason I'm still working is that is the only way for me to feel like a proper functioning human, just like everyone else. It seems like tonight is going to be another restless night with wandering thoughts. I spend almost every night thinking about the meaning of life until I accidentally fall asleep. There doesn't seem to be a purpose in living. [[Next->Scene 2B(cont2)]]

...I fell asleep last night. I woke up due to the alarm, it is reminding me to start the day. But I already feel like ending the day, I'm so tired. I don't want to go to work. Should I... (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[A. Call in and request a sick leave->Scene A3]] (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[B. Go to work ->Scene B3]]

...I decided to request a sick leave. I extend my hand to the phone and call in to the office. I told them I was not feeling well the moment I woke up, which is actually true, and fortunately they allowed it. I guess I will just lay on the bed all day long today. I might not even go brush my teeth or having breakfast. All I want is doing nothing. Spacing out, staring at my bedroom ceiling, letting my mind run wild. I wonder how do people find pleasure or enjoyment in anything? I have lost all of those desires, I can't remember the last time I enjoy something. Even the books and movies I used to be so obsessed about are no longer peeking my interest. [[Next->Scene A4]]

I guess I'm going to work. As much as I would lie in bed, I still need to 'function' as a human. My body feels heavy, dragging every steps to prepare myself for work. Once I stepped out of my house, I would always put up an act. It is exhausting, but I don't want to cause any inconveniences to the others. I pretend I have it all together. When I arrived at my workplace, I greeted my colleagues and had some small conversations before diving into my work. I tried my best to pay attention to my tasks so I can finish them soon, but I keep getting distracted. By the end of the day, I didn't finish my work on time. My supervisor noticed my work performance was getting worst for the past few weeks. On that day, he called me to his office and lectured me for being 'unresponsible'. I kept my head down and felt worthless. After being lectured, I went back to my desk and... (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[A. Burst into tears->Scene 4A]] (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[B. Held back my tears->Scene 4B]]

It is raining outside, how many hours have passed since I woke up? I checked my phone only to find out it is almost 6pm now.That means I have been laying on my bed for almost 11 hours. I tried to get up, but I have no energy in doing so, I... (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[A. Continue lying on bed->Scene B1]] (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[B. Force myself to crawl out of bed->Scene B2]]

Maybe because I didn't eat since last night, so I don't have the energy to get up. I give up. Will I die just by lying like this? Dying doesn't sound so bad I think. I feel weak and have given up on my life at this point. Suddenly, I hear a knock on my bedroom door. Who might it be? (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")[[Next->Scene D1]]

I tried to get up, but it is so difficult. I slowly putted one of my feet on the floor before the other one. The floor feels a bit cold. Due to lack of eating and lying down for too long, my legs are very weak and wobbly. As I try to stand up, suddenly a knock on my bedroom door was heard. (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[^^Next^^->Scene D1]]

-knock knock- "Hey, are you there?", asked XX my housemate. "A moment", I answered with my slightly weak voice as I tried to crawl out of bed. My legs are wobbly because I have been lying down for too long. I slowly walked over the door and opened it, only to see XX's shocked face. "Oh my gosh, you look so pale. Are you sick?", XX looked at me with concerned eyes. I just smiled slightly and told XX not to worry. Then, XX insisted to eat dinner together, I couldn't reject it even if I don't have much appetite. We sat down on the dining table and XX passed me the dinner, a set of sushi rolls. Come to think of it, I used to love eating those, but not anymore. More like I found no enjoyment in indulging food anymore. We made some small conversation during the dinner, well mostly XX started it. (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[^^Next^^->D2]]

I didn't finish my portion, I became full after a few bites. XX looked at me worriedly. XX kept asking me how is life going these days, I just shaked off these questions. I didn't feel like to cause inconveniences to anybody. XX offered to do the cleanup and told me to go resting, I can feel she is showing her concern towards me. XX also reminded me if I need something don't be afraid to say. I kind of appreciate that. I guess having someone concerned about me doesn't feel bad. XX's actions made me feel a bit better. (t8n-depart:"dissolve")+(t8n-arrive:"blur")[[^^Next^^->Scene D3]]

It has been hard foe me to concentrate recently, so I'm feeling useless at work. Maybe I should... (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")[[A. Try to work from home->Scene 1B]] (t8n-depart:"blur")+(t8n-arrive:"dissolve")[[B. Have a good rest at home and continue tomorrow->Scene 1C]]

I really don't want to do this today ... * Feels heaviness in my chest and shame * [[Click here to return |Scene 1C]]

After exercising a little, it became easier for me, I was pleased with myself that I did something useful for myself. In addition, some wrong thoughts receded ... I know they will return soon, but for now ... We need to eat something. [[Going to the kitchen-> Scene Msk-2C]]

Arriving in the kitchen, I saw the table set by my mother, there were my favourite pancakes with jam. Probably, my mother baked them in the morning especially for me. I began to eat, but it was hard for me to swallow the food as if I had already had enough. The food tasted good to me, but I didn't enjoy it. [[A. Tell my mom that lately, I have no appetite ->Scene Msk-3A]] [[B. Upset mom by not eating pancakes ->Scene Msk-3B]] [[C. Eat pancakes because you haven't eaten well the last few days -> Not available]]

Mom turned to me and with a sad face asked:“ Dear, eat at least a little, I tried so hard!" [[Return back -> Scene Msk-2C]]

Without finishing breakfast, I went to work. I didn't even notice how I got to the office. People glided past me, and all sounds and smells seemed to have faded. I sat down at my desk, but for a long time could not figure out where to start - all the tasks seemed too voluminous and difficult. I decided to make myself a coffee - it makes it easier to set myself up for work. But the mug was on the table, and I just could not take my eyes off it. So it took some time until I was excited by a loud exclamation of a colleague: "Hey-hey, why are we sad?" I answered him honestly that today it is hard for me to work, but in response he only said to me: "Stop feeling sorry for yourself, the work will not do itself!" and happily rode away, leaving me thinking about my insignificance. Indeed, lately, I have made a colossal number of mistakes, because of which several of my projects almost failed, if this continues, I will be fired, and I will be left without a livelihood. Mom already cares about me so much, I know how hard it is for her. I don’t know what I’ll do if this happens ... So, we need to get distracted. [[A. Start thinking about suicide ->Scene Msk-4A]] [[B. Got distracted by weird thoughts -> Scene Msk-4B]] [[C. Try to chat with colleagues -> Scene Msk-4C]]

I can't force myself! [[Return back -> Scene Msk-2C]]

Maybe if ... Then my mother wouldn't have to support me if I lose my job ... What difference does it make if I haven't felt good for a long time ... I probably won't feel any more. Can this be depression? [[A. No, depression doesn't exist, I'm just lazy and pathetic.-> Scene Msk-5A]] [[B. I should turn to a psychologist for help. -> Scene Msk-5B]]

Here is a mug in my hands, but my hands do not obey me, it seems so heavy ... I feel ... What do I feel? Why is it so bad for me? Probably, it's my fault, I'm a rag since I can't get myself together! [[A. Oh, I'm just lazy and pathetic.-> Scene Msk-5A]] [[B. I should turn to a psychologist for help. -> Scene Msk-5B]]

I can't talk to them! The girls in the office have been talking very loudly about something for an hour, but I think I noticed it only now when the phrase“ Oh my God, the nail broke! was spoken. I feel so awkward Okay, I'm depressed! Depression. Maybe I'm depressed? Although, I have always been told that depression is a fictitious disease ... And what are the symptoms of depression? I opened a browser tab and typed my query. A list of sympthoms appeared in which I recognized myself. Maybe I'm making it up for myself? [[A. No, depression doesn't exist, I'm just lazy and pathetic.-> Scene Msk-5A]] [[B. I should turn to a psychologist for help. -> Scene Msk-5B]]

I'm pathetic! How can I feel so sorry for myself! You have to work, not sit and cry right at work. Indeed, I noticed that tears had been running down my cheeks for a long time. Vita, an accountant from our department, walked by me, he looked at me and shuddered. “What are you doing? Everything is good?" she asked [[A. Yes, everything is fine! ->Scene Msk-6A]] [[B. Tell her.->Scene Msk-6B]]

The next day I made an appointment with a psychologist. He talked to me and explained what was happening to me, why I feel this way and not otherwise. He prescribed a treatment program for me and gradually I went on the mend. I am glad that I was able to find the strength to go to the doctor. I finally started enjoying my mom's pancakes and jam again in the morning, happier and, oddly enough, more caring to myself. I changed my life for the better by learning to listen to myself. Moreover, I realized how many people every day are faced with what I faced myself. Now I try to tell people my story so that they, in turn, can help themselves in difficult times. Well, or so that someone can help them when they see that something is happening to them. Unfortunately, in our time, depression is often taken lightly: they talk about it a lot, but often they do not consider it a real illness. This is a social stereotype that must be fought for the health and safety of us and our loved ones.

Vita tried to smile, but the smile was awkward. In the evening, when I returned home, realizing that I had not managed to fulfil my work quota, I felt disgusting. I wanted to somehow punish myself for not being able to cope even with simple tasks. I took the lighter in my hand. The heat from the fire warmed my skin, it was unpleasant and painful, but I knew I deserved it. Every month I got worse and worse, and the number of burns on my skin grew. But the number of good days has come to an end. At work, my boss hinted to me that I was about to be fired. This finally knocked the ground out from under my feet. That's it, this is the end. Vita heard this and at the end of the working day, she pinned me to the wall and left me no choice. I told her everything, told her about what I feel, about pain in my chest, about nights without sleep, about how I lost almost 8 kg in a couple of months because I can't eat normally … She looked at me spellbound and could not believe that this was happening to me all the time. “I couldn't imagine what was happening to you. You looked completely normal! So, I'll take you to a psychologist! And do not argue!" Sometimes helping other people can save your life, bring you back to it. I am still grateful to Vita for her help to me after almost 10 years. When I started treatment, I already had a rather severe form of depression, I needed not only psychotherapy but also medication. If I had not gone to a psychologist, then perhaps I would never have been able to feel again ... Alive. Now I can again enjoy my work, delicious food, simple everyday pleasures. Before my illness, it never occurred to me how difficult it can be to cope on your own in such a situation. Now I know this and try to tell people my story so that they, in turn, can help themselves in difficult times. Well, or so that someone can help them when they see that something is happening to them. Unfortunately, in our time, depression is often taken lightly: they talk about it a lot, but often they do not consider it a real illness. This is a social stereotype that must be fought for the health and safety of us and our loved ones.

She looked at me in surprise: "I could not imagine what was happening to you. In general, you behaved completely normal! You and I need to go to a psychologist, he will certainly help you." Sometimes, helping other people can bring you back to life. I am still grateful to Vita for her help to me after almost 10 years. When I started treatment, I had a form of depression that I managed to heal with the help of psychotherapy, but if I hadn't gone to a psychologist, I might never have been able to feel happy again or even just calm again. Now I can again enjoy my work, delicious food, simple everyday pleasures. Before my illness, it never occurred to me how difficult it can be to cope on your own in such a situation. Now I know this and try to tell people my story so that they, in turn, can help themselves in difficult times. Well, or so that someone can help them when they see that something is happening to them. Unfortunately, in our time, depression is often taken lightly: they talk about it a lot, but often they do not consider it a real illness. This is a social stereotype that must be fought for the health and safety of us and our loved ones.